Drunken Shananigans

So we drank… a lot. It happens sometimes. The thing I hate about drinking is that I love it. I love drinking but can never get drunk enough or high enough to get the full experience. Believe it or not, I am 23 years old and haven’t blacked out since I was 18, haven’t thrown up in a year (and even that I did to myself to sober up quick when one person in our party busted their head open), and I sure as hell haven’t had a hangover in years.

All of these drink-related-by-experiences are unpleasant. I know that and do not need to be told as such. And yet I cant help but feel like, that one time when I blacked out on my 18th birthday, whatever shenanigans I may have gotten up to, all the stupidly embarrassing things I may have done that my friends recounted to me later, I was not responsible. I was not in control! I had a blast apparently and didn’t want to go home but from then on, I get drunk sure, I am not superwoman. But I REMEMBER!

So there I am doing stupid shit that seems like an excellent idea, having to replay the whole night the next day in HD clarity and wanting to die.

List of annoying things and instances (current)

  1. People who don’t see the obvious
  2. When you really want someone to take a risk with you/for you but they don’t
  3. People who chew with their mouth open
  4. People who treat my illness as if it limits me, makes me less than I am or makes them want to be extra protective… I am a grown woman
  5. People who do not respect other people’s work and effort
  6. those who do not know how to take responsibility
  7. homophobic people
  8. procrastination (which I myself suffer)
  9. feeling old
  10. itchy feet/wanderlust left unsatisfied
  11. pending work
  12. the feeling of dread when I realize I am kinda lost right now… very annoying
  13. weakness
  14. need
  15. insomnia
  16. the book I began but haven’t made progress with
  17. my futile attempts at leading a more sound, secure, well managed productive life
  18. money troubles
  19. love… it can really suck
  20. chipped nail varnish

 

11085_510771212295488_210738942_n

Hello Again!

The life of a university student is complicated. Even more so if you have had to start over. Somehow the pressure is double, you are too old for the classes you are in and yet you struggle to meet deadlines, as other, younger students race ahead, seemingly full of endless energy. I am 23 years old but I feel old now, when I see the speed and efficiency with which my 19-20 year old classmates work with. It really is quite impressive.

So other than feeling low and trying to get over my self loathing, the only excuse I have for not updating my blog more often as I had earlier promised is simply that I hit a brick wall. Nothing I saw inspired me enough to write anything positive and whatever I did laboriously churn out sounded too bitter and too teen-angst-y. Really not my type of work, or the kind of thing I myself would read much less present my constant readers with. But I am back.

How did things turn around? I got sick. Yes it took illness and really shitty bouts of insomnia that were the initial reason for my slump to begin with, to finally flip the middle finger and say “do your worst!”… and I am back, yet again. I know I cant keep apologizing, making promises and disappearing and that trust needs to be earned so that is what I will do 🙂

For now I shall leave you, as always, with some literary gem by Leonard Cohen that I have become obsessed with:

1. You came to me this morning
And you handled me like meat.
You´d have to live alone to know
How good that feels, how sweet.
My mirror twin, my next of kin,
I´d know you in my sleep.
And who but you would take me in
A thousand kisses deep?

2. I loved you when you opened
Like a lily to the heat.
I´m just another snowman
Standing in the rain and sleet,
Who loved you with his frozen love
His second-hand physique –
With all he is, and all he was
A thousand kisses deep.

3. All soaked in sex, and pressed against
The limits of the sea:
I saw there were no oceans left
For scavengers like me.
We made it to the forward deck
I blessed our remnant fleet –
And then consented to be wrecked
A thousand kisses deep.

4. I know you had to lie to me,
I know you had to cheat.
But the Means no longer guarantee
The Virtue in Deceit.
That truth is bent, that beauty spent,
That style is obsolete –
Ever since the Holy Spirit went
A thousand kisses deep.

5. (So what about this Inner Light
That´s boundless and unique?
I´m slouching through another night
A thousand kisses deep.)

6. I´m turning tricks; I´m getting fixed,
I´m back on Boogie Street.
I tried to quit the business –
Hey, I´m lazy and I´m weak.
But sometimes when the night is slow,
The wretched and the meek,
We gather up our hearts and go
A thousand kisses deep.

7. (And fragrant is the thought of you,
The file on you complete –
Except what we forgot to do
A thousand kisses deep.)

8. The ponies run, the girls are young,
The odds are there to beat.
You win a while, and then it´s done –
Your little winning streak.
And summoned now to deal
With your invincible defeat,
You live your life as if it´s real
A thousand kisses deep.

9. (I jammed with Diz and Dante –
I did not have their sweep –
But once or twice, they let me play
A thousand kisses deep.)

10. And I´m still working with the wine,
Still dancing cheek to cheek.
The band is playing “Auld Lang Syne” –
The heart will not retreat.
And maybe I had miles to drive,
And promises to keep –
You ditch it all to stay alive
A thousand kisses deep.

11. And now you are the Angel Death
And now the Paraclete;
And now you are the Savior’s Breath
And now the Belsen heap.
No turning from the threat of love,
No transcendental leap –
As witnessed here in time and blood
A thousand kisses deep.

 

181062_480842681969118_1876798996_n