Hello Again!

The life of a university student is complicated. Even more so if you have had to start over. Somehow the pressure is double, you are too old for the classes you are in and yet you struggle to meet deadlines, as other, younger students race ahead, seemingly full of endless energy. I am 23 years old but I feel old now, when I see the speed and efficiency with which my 19-20 year old classmates work with. It really is quite impressive.

So other than feeling low and trying to get over my self loathing, the only excuse I have for not updating my blog more often as I had earlier promised is simply that I hit a brick wall. Nothing I saw inspired me enough to write anything positive and whatever I did laboriously churn out sounded too bitter and too teen-angst-y. Really not my type of work, or the kind of thing I myself would read much less present my constant readers with. But I am back.

How did things turn around? I got sick. Yes it took illness and really shitty bouts of insomnia that were the initial reason for my slump to begin with, to finally flip the middle finger and say “do your worst!”… and I am back, yet again. I know I cant keep apologizing, making promises and disappearing and that trust needs to be earned so that is what I will do 🙂

For now I shall leave you, as always, with some literary gem by Leonard Cohen that I have become obsessed with:

1. You came to me this morning
And you handled me like meat.
You´d have to live alone to know
How good that feels, how sweet.
My mirror twin, my next of kin,
I´d know you in my sleep.
And who but you would take me in
A thousand kisses deep?

2. I loved you when you opened
Like a lily to the heat.
I´m just another snowman
Standing in the rain and sleet,
Who loved you with his frozen love
His second-hand physique –
With all he is, and all he was
A thousand kisses deep.

3. All soaked in sex, and pressed against
The limits of the sea:
I saw there were no oceans left
For scavengers like me.
We made it to the forward deck
I blessed our remnant fleet –
And then consented to be wrecked
A thousand kisses deep.

4. I know you had to lie to me,
I know you had to cheat.
But the Means no longer guarantee
The Virtue in Deceit.
That truth is bent, that beauty spent,
That style is obsolete –
Ever since the Holy Spirit went
A thousand kisses deep.

5. (So what about this Inner Light
That´s boundless and unique?
I´m slouching through another night
A thousand kisses deep.)

6. I´m turning tricks; I´m getting fixed,
I´m back on Boogie Street.
I tried to quit the business –
Hey, I´m lazy and I´m weak.
But sometimes when the night is slow,
The wretched and the meek,
We gather up our hearts and go
A thousand kisses deep.

7. (And fragrant is the thought of you,
The file on you complete –
Except what we forgot to do
A thousand kisses deep.)

8. The ponies run, the girls are young,
The odds are there to beat.
You win a while, and then it´s done –
Your little winning streak.
And summoned now to deal
With your invincible defeat,
You live your life as if it´s real
A thousand kisses deep.

9. (I jammed with Diz and Dante –
I did not have their sweep –
But once or twice, they let me play
A thousand kisses deep.)

10. And I´m still working with the wine,
Still dancing cheek to cheek.
The band is playing “Auld Lang Syne” –
The heart will not retreat.
And maybe I had miles to drive,
And promises to keep –
You ditch it all to stay alive
A thousand kisses deep.

11. And now you are the Angel Death
And now the Paraclete;
And now you are the Savior’s Breath
And now the Belsen heap.
No turning from the threat of love,
No transcendental leap –
As witnessed here in time and blood
A thousand kisses deep.

 

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2 Comments

  1. Sorry you’re feeling crappy. You really aren’t old. I bet your 19 year old class mates aren’t as efficient and energetic as they seem.
    I’m on a fruitless (so far) search for a new job at the moment so do understand how certain processes in life can sap your confidence. Every rejection feels like a bullet. Not trying to burden you with my problems! Just saying don’t feel bad about your ‘teen-angst’, I’m 34 but feel 13 again about 6 times a day, it’s human.
    Hope you feel more confident soon.

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