Hello Holiday Season

Hello everyone,

So Christmas just passed and New Years eve is just around the corner. Everywhere people are posting about what a great year they have had and what they hope for in the coming year. It’s very human of us to behave this way.

It is so easy to look back on this past year and pinpoint moments of elation and happiness and base my judgment of the year on that because most of us are programmed “Bright Side-rs”. We look back and at the very least we can be grateful that we survived and lived to see the end of the year. We forget the hard learned lessons very easily sometimes in our efforts to be able to look back on our lives and see a series of happy memories and accomplishments to be proud of.

Who wants to look back and see all the bad? I know I don’t, and I’m sure a lot of others don’t either. It would be thoroughly depressing. This Bright Side approach is aided by the fact that we are constantly being reminded to be grateful, that things could be a lot worse. Which is undoubtedly true, things could be a lot worse.

What my problem right now is that this Bright Side approach sets me up year after year to repeat the same mistakes. Not identical ones, mind you. When i say “same mistakes”, I mean mistakes that are caused in essence by resilient character flaws in me that I just don’t deal with much less correct because at the end of each year, I want to look back and be happy about the good things and not dwell too much on the bad.

I make bad decisions about people I choose to trust and count as friends and each year I tell myself I will be smarter and yet, at the end of the year I look back and see all the party moments, all the laughs and all the good cheer and think “awww man, these people aren’t so bad”. And the same shit happens again…and again… and again… It might not be the same people but its the same pattern. I am stupid about how not to let people control me, how to not let them be able to hurt me.

I am also a terrible planner. As much as I suffer from OCD and want to be super organized, sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and I overwhelm myself, which in turn leads to me getting nothing done, rushing last minute, or missing out on opportunities entirely.

These are the two main reasons that I am being consciously very critical of this past year 2014. I had a great holiday earlier this month and I think this holiday is part of why I have come to this realization. I learnt many things on this trip, about the world and about myself, and one of the lessons I am taking to heart is that good things happen when you stop relying on and waiting for others and just DO stuff you need to get done or want to get done. Another lesson is that I really need to get smart already as I approach my quarter-of-century mark and need to finally take some serious control of my life.

So here I am, saying that, I am flawed. I have some serious faults. But I am also realizing that I can control them, maybe even fix them. The first step was to realize that I am the architect of my own misery. For instance, it is my character flaw to be naive and trust the wrong people, because people are just who they are and what they do is what they do, so if their actions hurt me then in a way its my own fault for making the wrong decisions about said people.

This realization has brought with it a strange peace. You would think that by essentially taking away the crutch of blame throwing, I am being forced to really take a good long hard look in the mirror (which is not easy) and this should not equate to peace. But it does, and I am clearer in my mind and in my vision than I have been for years. I am at peace with people. It isn’t their fault. It’s my own, and because it is my own fault: I CAN FIX IT.

That’s where the peace is, knowing that finally there is an answer. If not an actual answer then at least an inkling as to what I need to do, some guidance in what has been a series of years marked by my stupidity. I have a project that inspires me and drives me: MYSELF.

And that is my main resolution for 2015….I will take care of myself, I will enrich myself, I will protect myself and I will better myself. Its about bloody time too.

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New Year Cheer (or Same Old Thing We Did Last Year)

Well it’s come to that time of the year. A time where mass texts are sent out to people on contact lists that you may never actually talk to all through the year, except last year, to the date, when you sent the same message to the entire contact list, just like the year before. The same recycled message with a couple of words switched in here and there or new ones worked in, maybe some phrase you though would make you seem hip and up to date. Or as my Facebook feed will stand testament, an inundation of status updates full of well wishes and pseudo-philosophical statements, declarations of love and lists of resolutions, most of which no one will achieve before 2014 is out.

But that’s just one way of looking at it. A very cynical, downright nasty way, if I do say so myself. The other side is the coma inducing sweetness of the people behind those well meaning, if cheesy and stereotypical, text messages and Facebook updates. They are optimistic and bright, happy people. And that too is a way to be.

Where do I stand? With each passing year I am torn between my failures and successes. Sometimes I feel like I am perpetually doing the One-Step-Forward-Two-Steps-Back dance, more a failure the older I get. I mean people younger than me are doing so much more and I am still a second year bachelors student. On the other hand, after everything I have been through, I am, at the same time, damned proud to have made it this far and for the person I have become. The fact that I can emulate a semblance of sanity is a great thing, truly. There is a LOT I am grateful for and to be fair, a lot that I have managed to accomplish.

So for me, its bittersweet. Ill admit, deep inside I too am mushy and cant help but have hopes for the new year to come. On the one hand, tonight is just another date passing on the calender. On the other, its my new start. Every year I grow and mature and come to see more of life, in new ways. I meet new people, I eat new things, I try new dances, new dresses, new shoes, some years I fall in love, others I break my heart but learn a lesson. And it all adds up, and makes me who I am.

I am a mess, a jumble of nerves and contradictions. A lot of ideals and and fears, bravery and cowardice too. There’s lots of happiness and tears. But that is just me and I am Ramsha…

oh and in case anyone was wondering, this was one of the years I found love, and fingers-crossed-touch-wood-and-a-four leaf clover-too, I hope its for good 😉

Happy new year everyone!

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And so the new year approaches and I begin anew

Hello blog world. Again.

So this would be umpteenth countless time begging for a do-over. I know, I know, I always say I’m here for good, only to get caught up with other stuff and totally vanish. But this is, this blog, is for once part of my actual resolutions for the new year. So I am hoping I will keep it up this time. Another reason why I really want to try again is because someone very near and dear to me has asked me not to give up writing. He has faith in my ability to make sense with words and such. I sure hope he is right because I seem to have lost any faith I had in myself as a writer some time ago.

Everything I would come up with seemed so contrived, so alien. Like I was writing other’s words, their stories. I was so uninspired by my own life that I lashed out by burying my own visions and emulating the style of others, trying so hard to bathe myself in the literary glory of others, using formulas that lent them fame, only to realize that what worked for others did not work for me. In fact, I was miserable.

The realization took its time to take root. I figured out, finally, that if inspiration wouldn’t haul ass and come to me, then I’ll just have to pack my bags and go after it. I had no right to be angry at the Gods of Fate/Muses of Life and Art, because it was my own fault for falling into the trap of the mundane and mediocrity, the daily humdrum of sleep, wake, eat, repeat, shampoo, rinse, repeat.

But then I wound up meeting someone, around March of this past year, 2013. And after a long time, I didn’t feel so sad anymore. I was finally not alone. And that changed EVERYTHING.

And so here I am, as cheesy as it may sound, starting over. That phrase is so over used and dragged through the dirt it doesn’t seem enough to explain. Maybe I’m not that great a writer after all, vocabulary skills lacking some what. I can’t say I am reborn, really, I would not want to be. To start over and learn the lessons I have learnt would be horrific really. Some of those lessons were bitter but they have shaped who I am. So NO not reborn. Maybe when I know the right term, the one that feels right, Ill let you guys know. For now, lets just say, I’m back.

And I apologize if this post is a bit haphazard and all over the place. I am just going through a mish-mash of thoughts and new-year-type feelings. I assure and guarantee more coherency and depth of content from henceforth.

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Here, have a rainbow manatee as a sign of apology from me.